


Roses for a Ghost

by Bates



Series: SPN writing Challenge entries [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: All Human AU, Closeted Castiel, Closeted Dean, Coma, Coming Out, Depression, Established Relationship, Funeral, Ghost Castiel, Grief, Illustrated, Long Distance Relationship, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Pre series, Seizures, Suicide, coma mention, mention of pill abuse, mention of self harm, valentines day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-18 15:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5933548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bates/pseuds/Bates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for the February round of the supernatural writing challenge over at Tumblr. The theme for this round was <i>"Be my Valentine?"</i> and the prompt I received <i>roses</i>.<br/>Please read the tags carefully before reading this. I'd rather you all stayed safe than read something that might have a negative effect on you. Stay safe. ♥</p>
    </blockquote>





	Roses for a Ghost

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the February round of the supernatural writing challenge over at Tumblr. The theme for this round was _"Be my Valentine?"_ and the prompt I received _roses_.  
>  Please read the tags carefully before reading this. I'd rather you all stayed safe than read something that might have a negative effect on you. Stay safe. ♥

_all by myself with your ghosts_

_day after day I grow cold_

_why don't the stars shine at night anymore?_

_It's been so long since I've seen the sun_

 

_oh I miss the sun's warmth on my skin_

_oh I wonder if I'll feel it again_

_one day the clouds will part_

_and I will see the sun_

 

**I can't breathe // Melanie Baker**

 

** **

 

Jimmy didn't know if he'd ever get used to the silence that now inhabited his world. His mind had always been so loud, something had always been yelling at him. There had always been _some_ static. Now there was just silence; complete and utter silence.

There was something peculiar about it, about leaving no footsteps where he walked. Jimmy could walk or run through woods and the leaves wouldn’t even disintegrate under the pressure of his feet. He’d found that out when he followed Dean out the very first time, when he’d followed him to the little yard the hospital provided for visitors. He no longer left an imprint on the places he visited.

Part of him mourned that and part of him had wanted it. He’d wanted this when put the knife to his wrist and popped the pills. He’d wanted this when he finally crashed. Just wanted to be... _gone_. Disappearing should have made everything so much more easier. It ought to have stopped the pain, ended him. Fate had decided otherwise, decided to make him fail the only thing he should have easily succeeded in.

His hurt had changed; it was still there. That he had realized when he’d blinked his eyes open again and noticed he was somehow stuck between the two dimensions; stuck between living and dying. His stubborn heart was still beating and his brain was still making attempts at reversing some of the damage the lack of oxygen had caused.

 

The first days, he silence had almost been like a blessing to him. The machines beeped and there was the huffing of the machine supplying him with oxygen while his lungs refused to do that but it was practically all he heard. His family was there but they were all silent. When he’d still been alive they’d always been so loud and omnipresent, now they were...the opposite. Almost as if they cared now.

His mother was furious. When his father had stepped out to go find a doctor, she’d talked and yelled and told him how much she hated this. Each one of her words felt like a sucker punch to the gut. She still came and slowly, she took peace with it, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t leave new things to think about.

Jimmy had started thinking bout what life would be like if they pulled him through. Everyone would be so disappointed with him. He’d realized that when his mother had started yelling. Even Dean would be furious. Maybe it was especially Dean who would be hurt.

He had been in the room when his mother came in with his phone in her hands. She’d just, _stared_ at it or a long time before starting to talk, before telling him that she hadn’t known how he felt, that she didn’t know he was gay. His mother told him that she understood why he hid it from her, why he deleted his messages, but that Dean was worried.

He’d been there to hear her say ‘is this Dean?’ before telling him the news.  Up until that point, Jimmy had _prayed_ that Dean wouldn’t find out about what had happened. Sure, Dean would miss him calling and texting, but it wasn’t that unusual.  Jimmy had always been very perceptive to low energy levels, how some days, he hid his phone in the tangle of his blankets because he couldn’t muster up the energy to pick it up. Because some days, even lying there cut of his oxygen and made it hard to breathe.

Dean had been so pissed with him the first times that happened, but after he’d driven over and _seen_ just how much of a mess he was, that he was actually doing shitty, Dean had understood. He’d always be so careful and perceptive to how Jimmy said things.

 

When Dean had visited him the very first time, he hadn’t said a word and that had made the silence in the room suddenly heave to bare. He’d just sat there in silence, looking at him with _that_ look in his eyes; the look he only got when his father had been out of touch. It was the look Dean had had when they met up for the second time and he told him his brother had left to go to college. Full ride.

His heart had started breaking all over again that day. Each time Dean snuck away from his father and made the often hour long drive to the hospital, it broke a little more. Especially because he hadn’t spoken. Not at all. His mother had seen him twice and tried talking to him, but he’d been so closed off that his mother too had given up.

Today however, on his fifth visit, Jimmy’s heart crumbled away completely. Of all possible days, it was Valentine’s Day. The worst day to have a loved one in the hospital. They’d only been together long enough to have this be their third; only the second one they could actually celebrate close together. The year before, Dean and he had texted all day and at night, ended up calling for a solid hour. Sam had been at the library with a friend and John had been away on a hunting trip, so they had the opportunity to call without anyone being confused.

The thing was that Jimmy had actually had _plans_ for a change. He’d drive over to where he was and take him out for a picnic. Their local park had a few hidden places they could go sit without people noticing them, it ought to have been fine. For the first time in weeks, they’d be able to talk in real life, sit around and drink a beer or two, maybe kiss if they deemed it safe enough. Even just talking and being able to touch was enough to make this a celebration. That was the thing with long distance relationships; even the moments spend just sitting together in silence were important.

 

 

Because of what he’d done, they couldn’t. Instead, Dean was at the hospital now, with a bouquet of roses cradled in his arms. The poor guy looked so awkward standing in the door opening. No matter how awkward it was; it was good to see, made something in his chest spread warmth through his body. Dean put them in the vase by his bed and threw him a warm smile.

“Hey man,” he said, takin one of his hands in his. Jimmy could almost feel it as Dean ran his fingers over the skin at his wrist, where the undoubtedly still raised scars where. “This is quite the change of plans, isn’t it?” He huffed. “It’s okay though. Dad’s, somewhere. Valentine’s is never a good day for him. Sammy’s out with his girl, last I heard. Figured I could come visit my man too.” Dean smiled and Jimmy ached. He just wished he could reach out, take Dean’s hand in his, press a kiss to his temple do anything. “I have a request for you. Selfish as can be, but...” He trailed off for a moment when a nurse knocked on the door.

Jimmy’s hand fell back on the bed as if dean had been burned.

“That’s a nice bouquet of flowers,” the girl said with a small smile on her lips, “did his girlfriend come by?”

“Yeah.” Dean almost fell over the word. “You missed her, left a few minutes ago.”

“Oh, such a shame.” She wrote something down on his charts and checked his IVs. “I’ll leave you two.”

Dean just nodded at her and stayed silent until she had closed the door. “I promise you man. Things can get better.” He was no longer looking at him, just staring at the ceiling. “You don’t see that now, but it will. Think of the things we’ll actually be able to do.” There was a small smile on his lips and he scanned the doorway before speaking. “Think of us actually getting to test that memory foam huh?”

His laugh was warm, made something inside his chest spur, like something yelling at him that perhaps, things like this were worth it. Maybe he ought to pull through. _They weren’t._

“I’m going to make a deal with you. Keep your heartbeat steady if you agree.” Jimmy huffed. If only he could have that much control. He’d tried, tried plenty of times, but it didn’t work, it never worked. He’d be long gone if he had that much control. “If you hang on until March, I’ll bring my brother here. I’ll open up. I’ll tell them all the truth.”

Dean watched the monitor for a while, even if the chances of his heartbeat going off the charts now was practically inexistent. “We have ourselves a deal. We’re in this together now bud.” Jimmy felt a smile tug as Dean tapped his shoulder gently. “In all seriousness man, hang on. Just a little longer.”

Dean took Jimmy’s hand in his for a moment, almost as if he was curious. “You know, I’ll never get used to this. You feel both the same and completely different.”

He held his hand for a long while, just sitting there at his body and pressed a kiss to where the IV entered the vein. Jimmy had thought it was sweet, even if out of character for him. He'd wanted to do nothing more than to be able to touch his shoulder and reassure him. _This was what he wanted._

“I’ll see you in March, Jimmy.” He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of his head. “Please be here in March, _please_. You know I’m not one for begging, but please.”

 

** **

 

By some miracle, Jimmy got to see March show its warmth. The machines kept his stubborn heart beating, even though it ought to have been too late for him months ago. His brain was deteriorating and the doctors were now starting to see just how many functions were starting to taper off.

At first, his eyes had still moved and some days there had been small twitches of his muscles, but they were all gone now. They’d been replaced by seizures as his brain slowly died off. Dean had been there for one of them and it had been brutal to see, to see his own body twitching and moving while he had no control. That day, he’d wanted to do nothing more than to take Dean’s hand and hold him close, but he knew he couldn’t do that.

Dean would be coming by today and bring his brother in. Part of Jimmy wanted him not to. Dean had taken his sexuality and pushed it to the side for a long time, hadn’t wanted to come out and explained that to him. It was alright, after all it had taken Jimmy practically dying to come out to his mother. Jimmy really wished he wouldn’t do this.

But Dean was doing it. He was lugging a confused looking Sam down the corridor, accompanied by what Jimmy could only guess was Sam’s girlfriend. The confused expression in their eyes told him Dean hadn’t told him yet.

“Dean, I don’t understand, why are you dragging us to a hospital?”

“Just give me a minute Sam.” Dean sounded agitated. “We’re here. I need you to meet someone.” There was  soft knock on the door before Dean came in. Dean scanned to see if his mother was there before beaconing his brother in.

Jimmy felt the nerves settle in his veins. It was pathetic, he wasn’t the one who was putting his pride on the line, who was opening up. Yet, he was nervous, nervous for Dean and how they’d react. The community their family was in wasn’t forgiving, or at least it was what Dean had said.

“Sam, Jess. This is Jimmy.” He wasn’t sure, but he thought he could hear the nerves in Dean’s voice. “I made him a promise that if he hung on, I’d do this so.” The tension in the room was almost too much. Jimmy wished he could just put a hand on Dean’s shoulder and have him feel it. He’d tested his theory, pressed a kiss to the top of Dean’s head when he’d fallen asleep in the chair, but he hadn’t felt it.

“Dean, where are you going with this?” Sam asked with a frown, but silenced when the girl put her hand on his arm.

“Let him talk.” She threw Dean a warm smile and in that moment, Jimmy knew he liked the girl.

“Sam. Jimmy is…” He took a deep breath. “JimmyIsMyBoyfriend.” Sam blinked, gaze shifting from Dean to him and then from him to Dean. “Has been for a while.”

“Thank you, for telling us.” Jess said when it was clear that Sam wasn’t going to say anything. She bumped into him, pulling him out of the daze.

“Okay. As long as you’re happy.” Sam was frowning. “Does dad know?”

“No and we’re keeping it that way.” There was more in that sentence than Jimmy got from it, something Sam picked up on. “For as long as we can. That’s all you’re going to say?”

“What did you expect me to say? Dude, we’re not living in the Dark Ages. Long as you’re happy I don’t care. Just. That’s nothing I want to walk in on.” Dean laughed at that and it made something in Jimmy’s heart warm. Dean was safe. His secret was safe. “But, of course. He won’t hear it from me. What happened to him? Is he?” The sentence trailed on, but Dean had to know what his brother meant. Jimmy didn’t.

Dean’s face fell at the question and he sat down on the edge of the bed. Jimmy noticed that one of his hands lay close to his, inching closer to it whenever his brother or his girlfriend. Sam and Jess took seat on the two chairs that stood to the side.

“No. He isn’t.” Dean took a deep breath. “He’s been…in bad headspace for a while. Around January he…he tried to. Fuck. He tried to kill himself. His mom found him, drove him here.” Sam just nodded at that. “His mom called me because I kept calling him.”

“I’m sorry,” Jess said softly, “is he going to pull through?”

“They thought so at first. Things were looking good, the damage wasn’t too bad. It’s been spreading. They don’t think so. He’s been getting seizures.” Jimmy reached out anyway, even though he knew it wouldn’t work, put a hand on Dean’s shoulder.  Dean looked up for a moment, stared right at him, but Jimmy knew he couldn’t see him. “His mom has been talking to the doctors about what they _can_ do at this point. They’re thinking of pulling the plug, letting him go.”

There was a hard set to his jaw as he said that.

_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Dean._

** **

 

The moment the doctor pulled the plug on him, it felt like freedom. What was worst was the moments his hearts died out. He could feel himself fading, could feel all life leave him. Perhaps this was the most painful part of it, feeling the pain cut through his chest as he was completely cut off from oxygen.

He was there to see Dean squeeze his hand one last time, to see Dean cradle him to his chest and whisper against the top of his head, hear him whisper ‘ _I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry_ so much it almost became a mantra. Jimmy was there to see Dean quiet down afterwards and close off.

 

Jimmy watched as they lowered his body to the ground, Dean standing close to his brother and Jess. He felt his heart break all over again at the people who had come, at his mother’s tears and at his father’s stoic expression.

The songs he’d picked were cheesy, terrible and if he’d had a choice in the matter, he’d have let them play quite opposites of them. Which showed just how much they didn’t know about their son. But as ‘Flying Without Wings’ by Westlife played, his body was lowered into the ground.

 _“I’m so sorry.”_ Jimmy whispered it first and then yelled, trying to get through to anyone, to let him know. No one heard, no one recognized his presence. It made his heart break just a little more. Break a little more because during the entire service people had been so ignorant.

Everybody talked about how it was sad and he was so young, but no one realized that he had wanted this and still wanted it. He didn’t want to live. He didn’t want to be around. What he was sorry about was hurting people with what he was doing, the pain in Dean’s eyes.

Dean, who his mother seemed to have grown to like. Dean who got a huge hug from her, who got told that if he ever needed to talk or want something, that he could come by. She even handed him a pendant of Jimmy’s.

In truth, Jimmy was glad It got given to Dean. The little set of wings had not been a lot, but it had pulled him through some days. It had reminded him that life could be more than what it seemed like, that even if just for a moment, it could be worth it.

Jimmy had clung on to that hope for so long. It had pulled him through some of the previously more difficult days. Giving it to Dean now almost felt like being freed. Like a way of saying ‘ _you hold my hope and strength, you’ll need it more than I do’._

** **

 

 

Jimmy had been granted a choice; stay or go to heaven. He'd been lucky in that department, he'd been granted that choice. Jimmy had chosen the latter; chosen to go up to heaven, knowing he'd quite possibly be able to keep an eye on them. For the first time in a long while, he'd felt at peace,  _calm_. It was so strange, not feeling worn and tired all the time, having energy.

Heaven was treating him well. For the first time in years, he didn't feel his heart sink of the ground drop from under his feet, instead he lounged in bed curled up next to Dean like they'd done that one weekend they'd had together. Jimmy got to wake up and pull Dean closer, got to look at him as he slept. It was the quiet and peace he'd longed for for such a long time.

Sometimes, he went down just to check if people were still doing good. The first few days especially to see if his mother was still cleaning, eating. If she was still handling this well. She was, she really was. She even prayed for him, which was really sweet. It was now he realized he'd gotten really lucky with her, with having her a mother. She had all rights to freak out when she found out about Dean and him, but she hadn't, had even called Dean, had given him something of his to keep with him.

If Jimmy was completely honest, the person he checked up on most was Dean. Dean wore Jimmy's necklace around his neck every day; it dangled next to the amulet he'd gotten from his brother when they were younger. He had noticed that when Dean was put under stress, he'd bring his hands to it and rub his fingers on them, as if feeling they were still there.

He hadn't spoken for the first weeks, but that was who Dean was. Silence was the thing he mastered.

 

 

Today was Valentine’s Day again. It almost felt like a constant in his life, _their_ lives. Having weird things happen to him on Valentine’s Day was almost normal. Now, it just broke his heart. Dean was standing at his grave, just _standing_ there, staring at the dark letters on the stone.

Jimmy knew what they said; _Jimmy Novak, July 10 th 1980 – March 20th 2005\. _If he was honest, he was glad they’d kept it simple, business like. They didn’t need to know he was a twenty-four year old fuck up that still lived with his mother, didn’t need to know that he had been so far in the closet he’d practically walked into Narnia.

“I probably would have gotten you chocolates, you always had a sweet tooth,” Dean said, a small smile on his lips. “I got you flowers instead. You should have seen the shop keeper’s face when she said she hoped my wife would love it and I answered with ‘he would have’. Not that I really meant to it just. Sometimes, I want to tell random people, like that. Because only Sam and Jess knows, it feels like you were never a part of my life.” Dean shook his head. “I’m becoming a sap. All for you.”

Jimmy laughed at that. Dean was becoming a little bit of a sap. He loved that cheesy guy, always would.

“You know man, we’ve been together for a while now, but I still need to ask you.” There was a small smile on his lips again. “Do you still want to be my Valentine?”

_Always._

**Author's Note:**

> As always, you can find a link to this fic on [Tumblr](http://confusedjimmy.tumblr.com). If you're curious, I've shared the playlist I wrote this to here [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/mercifulsammy/you-d-grow-old-with-me-deancas). [It was made for Dean & Cas however, keep that in mind.]
> 
> _I'm sorry._


End file.
